


He was doing the right thing.

by Allamazingfandomsarenotonfire



Category: Dan and Phil (phandom)
Genre: Anorexia, Death, Definitely triggering, Denial, I'm Sorry, It's late and this is just a thing I did, M/M, Mentions of smut (not graphic at all though), Self Confidence Issues, not really - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-27
Updated: 2016-12-27
Packaged: 2018-09-12 14:28:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9076582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Allamazingfandomsarenotonfire/pseuds/Allamazingfandomsarenotonfire
Summary: Dan develops a severe eating disorder, but denies it. He cuts himself off from the world and tries to achieve what he thinks is perfection. "He's doing the right thing."But is he?





	

**Author's Note:**

> MAJOR trigger warning. If anorexia or anything sad may trigger you, please click away from this story. That's all the warning I'm giving 
> 
> If you continue, good luck!

He never really loved his body.

He didn't exactly hate it, but he knew it needed some work. He spent hours upon hours browsing the web for low fat recepies, how to suppress hunger, and excersises that he did obsessively twice a day in his room. He'd measure his height and weight every single day. On camera, he'd talk about how much he hates any type of physical activity and how he eats too much to try to blend in; to try to joke about excessive eating like everyone else. He'd lie about how much he loves food, because he doesn't love it at all. He hated everything about it, the taste, the texture, the smell, and especially the weight gain. _Dan did eat though; he had to. He cooked two times a day, he ate, repeat. It wasn't much, but he ate. It wasn't anorexia. It wasn't a disorder. So it wasn't a bad thing. Not in the slightest._

 

 

It took a while for people to begin to notice. 

After a few months of low food intake and working out, he started to slim down alot and abs began to peak up. In one of his videos, he and Phil were messing around and Phil accidentally pulled Dan's shirt up a few inches whilst tackling him, and his stomach was exposed. He smiled at the first comment that talked about his tummy and how they saw abs, it had hundreds of likes and other people agreeing that it was hot. He thought to himself how he was finally starting to be beautiful, how he was doing the right thing. Sex was amazing, Phil noticed how his boyfriend was getting fit as well, and that gave Dan a major confidence boost in bed. He was doing the right thing, he thought.

He

Was

Doing

The

Right

Thing.

After a while he started to feel happier. He was weak, yes, but it was from all the excersise, of course. He felt like he could look better, so he lessened his food intake just a  _little_ more.  _Dan did eat though; he had to. He cooked, he ate, repeat. It wasn't much, but he ate. So it wasn't anorexia. It wasnt a disorder. So it wasn't a bad thing. Not in the slightest._

 

 

He started to get comments that were questioning his diet plan. He made the mistake of wearing a tight t shirt in his most recent video, and people noticed his ribs peaking through and his elbows bulging larger than his forearm. He frowned at their hurtful words. He shouldn't have shown them his unfinished work, he thought. He just decided to delete it before anyone really saw, even though hundreds of people already have. He started to appear in tumblr more often, fans had taken screenshots of him and made fun of his body shape. Worried about me my ass, he thought. He was doing the right thing. It was starting to get cold out, so he wore baggy Chrismas sweaters in his newer videos. It still wasn't good enough for his fans. They questioned his dark circles under his eyes, telling him they were worried about his obvious excessive weight loss. So he  _was_ losing weight. He smiled again, but decided to disable the comments for the rest of his new videos. He didn't like being made fun of. Phil had somehow not seen them yet, so he never said anything. He just smiled, and he kept trying to sleep with Dan but Dan always declined. He couldn't have Phil seeing him. Not until he was done. Food was cut to a dangerously low intake, but it was healthy according to Dan. He was doing the right thing. He kept losing, but he wasn't yet satasfied.  _Dan did eat though; he had to. He cooked, he ate, repeat. It wasn't much, but he ate. So it wasn't anorexia. It wasnt a disorder. So it wasn't a bad thing. Not in the slightest._

 

 

His tumblr kept blowing up with his fans making fun of him, so he deleted his account. He blocked hundreds of people on Twitter. He kept doing these things until #savedanhowell died down, after only three hours. Somehow, Phil still didn't know. He hadn't been online alot, he was trying to figure out what he did wrong. He was trying to figure out why Dan wouldn't touch him, why he was in his room so much, all day everyday. Dan just brushed him off. He decided to stop filming for now, just until he was done getting in shape. This probably made his Twitter and past YouTube videos erupt again, but that didn't matter. He was doing the right thing. He started to get dizzy and collapse a lot. But that was okay.

Because he was doing the right thing.

Phil still hadn't noticed. He was getting angry and sad easily. He was frustrated, sexually and emotionally. He gave up on trying to love on Dan, he just started staying in his room and a lot. One day he had enough. He told Dan that he was sorry he wasn't good enough and that he was sorry he wasted Dan's time. Dan begged him to stay, but realized Phil had made up his mind. Phil left. He packed up his things, never made eye contact, never said a word, and left. It was because he was too fat. Too ugly, too gross and unlovable. That's why Phil left, he thought. But that couldn't matter, because he was doing the right thing. He destroyed all but one of his electronics to stop the notifications from fans bullying him, and to stop the temptation to text Phil. He resorted to eating one thing a day. Maybe, he thought, if I lost a little more I can win Phil back again.  _Dan did eat though; he had to. He cooked, he ate, repeat. It wasn't much, but he ate. So it wasn't anorexia. It wasnt a disorder. So it wasn't a bad thing. Not in the slightest._

One thing every three days. He was doing this for two weeks, and he lost an unbelievable amount of weight in that time. He lost a bit of height as well, but that was okay. 6'3 and 43.9 kilograms. He was so close. Just one kilogram left to go. He wasn't able to stand a lot anymore, only a few times every couple hours. This would pass, he thought. This was okay, because he was doing the right thing. He went days with only water, he was unable to stay conscious all day. Those were counted as naps, and everyone needs naps. 

One morning he stood up, and he collapsed. This time was different. He had an unbearable pain in his abdomen, he was shivering viciously and his hair was falling out. No, he thought. This can't be happening.

He still has a fourth of a kilogram to go.

He reached for the phone, but remembered he had smashed it days before. He laid on the ground, entangled in sheets, and he looked over to a full body mirror he kept beside his dresser. His hip bones and ribs were bulging past his shrunken stomach. His cheeks were hollow, and he was pale and tired looking. His elbows and knees bulged. This wasn't perfect yet, but he was finally beautiful. He smiled and a tear escaped his eye and slowly dripped down his temple, but absorbed back into his skin as his body desperately tried to take in any possible source of nutrition. He looked up at a picture of Phil and his old self that he kept on his bedside table. He was no where near beautiful there, but Phil was. Phil was looking at him with complete and utter bliss in his eyes. Maybe he didn't think he was beautiful, but Phil absolutely did. Maybe he wasn't really doing the right thing.. 

He panicked and dragged himself to the last phone he kept in the kitchen. He frantically tried to reach for it, searching for Phil's number. 

He found it, 

But he didn't press call. 

He lost consciousness one last time, his heart going still and his breath going silent. 

_Dan did eat though; he had to. He cooked, he ate, repeat. It wasn't much, but he ate. So it wasn't anorexia. It wasnt a disorder. Not in the slightest._

_It wasn't a bad thing, or so he thought at first._

_It wasn't anorexia._

_And it wasn't a disorder._

 

_Not until it was too late._

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is always appreciated c: any future story suggestions? Please feel free to comment!


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